http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
If you would be as kind as to read the above article, first it would great assist in your understanding my post.
I was cringing to begin with as I read this article. To settle or not to settle is the dilemma that or the question, nay the conundrum a lot of us have put ourselves into by still being single. I cringed because it was challenging every belief, mantra, advice, dream and aspiration I have.
Through my blog stats I have noticed that many people find my blog by typing in their search engine something along the lines of “in mid 20’s – not dating” or ‘’in 20s dating hard’’ you get what i mean. So obviously it is not just lil’ ol’ me that seems to find it hard to find good guys to date.
So, this chick is telling us youngens to marry young but mostly she is advising us to marry while we are young, still have our youth and looks and it does not matter if you are ‘’settling’’. That settling is good. Its an option and its one we should all be taking right this second as we read this post. GO SETTLE … NOW!
But is it really that easy?? This writer, Lori Gottlieb, is in her 40’s now. She has brought a child into this world on her own and therefore writing in retrospect. Young men of course and we young women should really give credence to marrying someone who is ‘’good enough’’. Is this woman our wiser elder, new Yoda or some kind of crazy loon whose ideas should be frowned upon, whose article should be burned at the virtual reality stake? I don’t know. I don’t know if she is a voice of reason or a voice of madness or a voice of reasonable madness.
“If you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying. In fact, take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you’re not worried, because you’ll see how silly your face looks when you’re being disingenuous.”
I admit it; I have bouts of questioning whether I really believe it will happen for me. I also have moments where I am convinced that I am not worried then I remember when my next birthday is and I start to get that little worry feeling…So is everyone else worried deep down? Worried that you will never find ‘The One’? Worried that you won’t have that wonderful dream of having children with the one person you can’t live without?
She advises, “Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection.”
Is this concept starting to sound familiar to anyone else? To me it is sounding a lot like an argument for things such as arranged marriages. I am by no means saying i want an arranged marriage, for one where I come from and my culture that is not the norm at all. Nevertheless, if marriage is to be looked upon as a transaction and a union of a business partnership then maybe the terminology of saying ‘’to settle for’’ should be changed so that the negative connotations are removed. How about maybe using the word ‘’Achieved’’. For example, ‘’I achieved my husband/wife. When I met them i was not sure but with time i knew that this person I could definitely be happy achieving with’’. How about “clinch” for example; “I dated so many men/women and couldn’t find the right one, until i met my husband/wife and i knew i had clinched them,”. Lastly how about the term “nail down” we could say ‘’I had hopes and aspirations or marrying someone different but then I met my husband/wife and i nailed them down!’’. Anyone agree or think these new words make it sound better than saying ‘’settling down’’ or ‘’settling for’’?
Compromising Ideals for Marriage?
So really we are been told that it is almost a matter of career and personal ambition vs. The Biological Clock dumdumduuuuuuuuuummmm.
That means that my friend shouldn’t have turned down the short, bald, overweight, lazy-eye doctor or the short, platform wearing, hideously looking lawyer. Also by the same argument, I shouldn’t have turned down Chubaka’s cousin. I am not 30 yet but Lori implies that at the rate at which time seems to be passing by apparently I will wake up one day and be 30 and if I am still single I will end up been like one of the characters off Sex and the City.
Gottlieb goes on to suggest that in the grand scheme of things and the schedules families usually have with the kids and their extracurricular activities, work, and social life you probably wouldn’t spend too much time together anyway so its no big deal. It reminds me of the marriage of the two characters from the Jane Austen novel, Pride and Prejudice, Charlotte marries Mr Collins who is the Bennets’ cousin. Elizabeth describes him as ‘the stupidest man in England’ and cant understand why her dear friend Charlotte would marry him, Mr Collins who was an ugly, socially awkward, pathetic sycophant of the aristocracy. Charlotte settled. She settled with a man who would worship her and feel like he had just won the biggest lottery by getting her and who would financially provide her with a secure future and her children. Charlotte did ensure to encourage her husband to spend as much time away from the house as possible and described her feeling of her situation as “quite content”.
‘’How many long – married couples are having sex anyway?’’ she asks. I don’t know but i still want to be part of a couple that does have sex for love and lust. So smart people settle for companionship and not romance. This probably quite true, which is why so many adult shop sex-toy companies are so successful. Does this mean that if both people are settling that maybe extra marital affairs shouldn’t be so frowned upon? If you can’t get your jollies at home, then get it elsewhere?
Don’t Be Too Picky
It makes me question and it made me think hmmm is she saying that I should be one of two things;
1) The brand new top of the line model and as a grand opening put it on special at bargain prices and get scooped up really quickly
OR
2) Be the expired product on the shelf that your local Chinese food store put into an empty noodle box with a sign on a ripped piece of paper written in barely inked marker saying “expired – all items 50cents”.
So how does one settle? Haha i laugh because we are back at square one. How does one choose the man to settle? Or the person to settle with?
By all accounts of this article by Lori Gottlieb – Marry Him! I really should think about actually going for the guy at my salsa dance classes that I am convinced is gay but everyone else is hopeful that he is not or I should rethink about my friend Corey who tells me every time that he wants to have a relationship with me but I keep refusing on the basis that I am well aware he has an Asian-women fetish and he cannot let that go or maybe i should reconsider the guy I dated for about 3 weeks who turned out to only have a 5th grade education.
Man, seriously, really, the above 3 I couldn’t settle for. Haha I really do not want to settle. But it is a viable option I suppose…. i say this very very relunctantly… i would hate to be the type of girl someone settles for and i wouldn’t want someone to feel that i settled for them… but i guess people would say ‘’just don’t tell them you are settling for them’’.
As I read this article and starting to think about its content, i started to hear that Gwen Stefani song in my head and the lyrics that singing at me were :
“Tick tock tick tock tick tock, Take a chance you stupid ho….. “
“watcha waitin watcha waitin watcha waitin for…”
(i am not a stupid ho just thought id make that clear)
I guess those are the lyrics that really sum up this whole article.
hugs
