Aussie Land’s Cleo Bachelor of Year competion- MY PICS and Special Mentions 26, March, 2009

Presenting some of the alledgedly crème of the crop men Aussie-Land has to offer.

 

I, personally, am not into to Brad Pitt’s of this world. I prefer a guy who has both substance and looks good TO ME. I know that I have being known for dating guys who most girls would say are not “hot” but thats how I am. I am not saying that these guys are not hot, I have chosen them because I think they are VERY HOT.

 

So I have provided you with some of my favourite pics, a brief of their bio/questionnaire they filled in for the competition and given you my take on the guy. Enjoy!!!

Name: Charlie Albone Age: 27 Occupation: Landscaper/TV presenter

My last girlfriend would describe me as … sigh … but I would say I am a bit more exciting than that!

My secret talent is filling out the questionnaires in record time.

My ultimate Saturday night is a BBQ with mates, then out to a bar or club.

The worst piece of advice my parents gave me was to move back to England … I didn’t!

The last person I kissed was my dog. She is a real person … and I wonder why I’m single?!

When I told my mum I was going to be a CLEO bachelor, she told me to stop lying.

If I was to make a mix tape for a girl I liked, I’d include on it the song we first clicked to (yes, I know it sounds cheesy). 

Girls going commando: hot

Having sex on the first date: not

Women playing hard to get: not

Women with Brazilians: hot

Dirty text messages: hot

Girls who wear no make-up: hot

Chicks who have tatts: hot

Girl-on-girl action (for your attention!): hot

Girls making the first move: hot

 

 

My take: if he thinks that his girlfriend would say “sigh” to describe him.. then maybe he IS a little boring. But if he finds a girl that doesn’t want to be doing something every single minute of every single day then he might be exciting. Hey I work full time and do a hell of a lot of latin dancing and it’s exhausting. Sometimes Its nice to just sit back and relax watch a movie and “snuggle” hehe you know what i mean… or maybe he is just boring.. But he shows signs of being a sweetheart given his answer to what kind of songs he would tape… he might be one of those guys who surprises you with the little things and they are more intimate and sweet. That is why I like this one.

 

 

Name: Adrian Caceres Age: 27 Occupation: Football (Soccer) player

The best advice I ever received was “For every dark night, there’s a brighter day”.

I find the biggest turn-on is a girl who can dance and I could never date a woman who smokes.

Three qualities I do look out for in a girl are intelligence, sense of humour and confidence.

My secret talent is I make a mean Paella!

My ultimate Saturday night is BBQ with the family followed by a night on the town with the boys.

The naughtiest thing I’ve ever done is illegal in most foreign countries. 

In ten years time, I hope to be not eligible for Cleo Bachelor of the Year.

My take: Well a friend of mine grew up with Adrian and from what I understand he is a really nice guy. He is also a good looking young Argentinian man which helps. The man can cook paella! And if its as good as he claims to be then he probably can cook in general hehe yay! He is obviously close to his family as he describes his Saturday’s that includes his family, indication that he might have good family values which I really love in a man. So over all a nice good looking guy with good family values… sigh… i want one of those… and he is fit! Bonus.

 

 

Name: Blake Pattenden Age: 25 Occupation: Radio Announcer/PE Science Teacher

 

Name: Onur Kece Age: 27 Occupation: Founder of Organic Super Juices

People say I look like I’m loving life because life is great!

I find the biggest turn-on is a big smile.

My last girlfriend would describe me as a care bear but I would say I am a human being.

My ultimate Saturday night is meeting up with friends for a few drinks, and then seeing where the night takes me.

The last person I kissed was my mum.

If I was to make a mix tape for a girl I liked, I¹d include on it SIA’s ‘Breathe Me’.

In ten years time, I hope to not to be a bachelor!

My Take: Well, he is a man of few words, at least written that is, but he has an awesome

smile and as soon as I saw his photo I was immediately drawn to him. Something about that hippy, down to earth look that I love. And he is obviously environmentally conscious which is serially attractive to me. Love it! I love care bears also. Though if he is anything like my Sagittarius sister, he will be a very cool guy but stubborn as a mule and will never admit it, probably speak his mind no matter what, but will tell you the truth just like it is. At least that is what all the Sagi’s I know are like. No tact sometimes! But still extremely attractive hehe.

 

Name: Daniel Giscard - Hernandez Age: 34 Occupation: Fashion Designer/Owner of G.O.D Store

 

 

I find the biggest turn-ons are when girls are funny, witty and intelligent. Oh – and one that knows how to give a joke and take a joke.

I could never date a woman who is my mum’s friend or a woman that gets over-emotional too soon.

My last girlfriend would describe me as a dreamboat and a train wreck but I’d say I’m a train wreck, then a dreamboat. Readers should vote for me because I’m easygoing and understand women. I’m romantic, creative and centred.

My secret talent is that I’m actually a funny guy and also great at predicting stuff.

My ultimate Saturday night is hanging out until the last minute and then just going with the flow.

The naughtiest thing I’ve ever done is not going to be mentioned. My mum might read this and be disappointed.

If I was to make a mix tape for a girl I liked, I’d include me singing all the covers that remind me of the girl and the moments we shared, so it would be original.

In 10 years time, I hope to be in love, married, successful and happy with everything I’ve created.

Girls going commando: not

Having sex on the first date: not

Women playing hard to get: hot

Women with Brazilians: Hot

Dirty text messages: hot

Girls who wear no make-up: hot

Chicks who have tatts: not

Girl-on-girl action (for your attention): not

Girls making the first move: hot

 

My Take: Creative, a train wreck, dream boat, must have some good sense of fashion if he is a fashion designer with his own store. The man will draw attention from girls everywhere he goes. Probably a little too-cool-for-school air about him, but possibly deep down a nice guy. Cares about what his mum would think but still lives his own life. Likes originality. This guy probably has better taste in fashion than me, probably would be a little ‘loco’ which is cool cause he is an artist, a bit of a left of centre type fella.. would expect nothing less from someone in the fashion industry. However still quite an attractive guy and the fact that he is older does a little something for me hehe.

If you wanna check out the rest of the bachelors please feel free to browse the following link:

 

http://www.cleo.com.au/bachelors09_the_boys.htm?page=1

 

 

 

 

Today, I’m feeling excited! On a scale of one to 10, I feel I’m at about 11.

My best hangover cure is a big greasy fry-up followed by a surf. My guilty pleasure is sleeping in … and eating lots of chocolate! The best advice I ever received was from my mum, who told be to “be all that you can be.”

My relationship deal-breaker is cheating. There’d no longer be any trust.

I could never date a woman who was previously a man … let’s face it, it would just be weird.

My last girlfriend would describe me as honest, confident, motivated, random and fun.

My secret talent is I can sew (shhh, don’t tell anyone).

The worst piece of advice my parents gave me was, “sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you” … they lied!

The most romantic thing I’ve done for a girl is told her to dress for a night out, then blindfolded her, drove around town to throw her off the trail, then took her to a beautiful restaurant.

If I was to make a mix tape for a girl I liked, I’d include Boyz II Men, Queen, Prince, Michael Jackson and Kaskade.

In 10 years time, I hope to be happy, healthy and enjoying life!

Girls going commando: not

Having sex on the first date: hot

Women playing hard to get: not

Women with Brazilians: hot

Dirty text messages: hot

Girls who wear no make-up: hot

Chicks who have tatts: hot

Girl-on-girl action (for your attention): not

Girls making the first move: not

My take: Wow Blake, smart, good looking, demonstrates a sense of humour in his questionnaire. Good looking boy, except he probably is quite hairy from what I can see. Just goes to show NO ONE is perfect. Not sure about his answer to having sex on the first date, probably an indication that he has bad judgement and keeps picking the wrong girls then wonders WHY he ALWAYS ends up with the weird chicks. He is creative romantically which adds another 10 points!! The girl that catches his eye and steals his heart should definitely be done to deserve him

Introducing and Presenting Jessica Mauboy! 25, March, 2009

Hey peeps thought id edjumecate you all on this up and coming new aussie artist. She is awesome right now she is mine and Arabian princess’ favourite artist of the moment. She was on Australian Idol..do NOT hold that against me and Arabian Princess, seriously check these songs out they are really good. She did not win Australian Idol she came runner up. So far this girl has her head on straight and priorities right. She is slowly building up her own little music empire – you go girl! Even Flo_Rida got in on the action by doing a little rap sequence in her songs

 

Check her vids and music out below J

 

 

 

The Carly Chronicles – Life in the fast lane 25, March, 2009

I was remembering an incident that happened a few years ago with the infamous Carly. We were at university and she was obsessively anxious to pick up a hot guy with a hot bike (motorbike that is).

 

Carly: i really wanna date a guy who can ride a bike, and he be really hot too.

Me: yeah, guys on bikes do look hot UNTIL they take off their helmets and you realise that they are 50year olds with missing front teeth.

Carly: I think I can tell a hot guy just by the bike he owns.

Me: what? You cant tell what a guy would look like by his bike.

 

We were walking through the car park to my car and walked past the motorbike car park. Curiously Carly asked if we could take a walk through the bikes. So obligingly we did.

 

 

Carly: ooo this is such a hot bike *she lent on the bike and posed* wouldn’t I look so hot on the back of this back with my arms around a hot guy?

Me: that is a nice bike, its red.

Carly: Yeah red, so hot! I am going to do something I have never done before… im going to leave a note on this bike and give this guy my number.

Me: You don’t know if the owner is a guy or not..let alone if he is hot or not you seriously wanna leave your number on the bike? What if he is a weirdo!? What if this person is a stalker? What if he is the grossest thing you have ever laid eyes on??

Carly: you are such child! Look I am a little older and you have to start learning that sometimes you gotta take chances Sus.

 

 

So Carly proceeded write her name and number and the following little note:

“you have a sexy bike, here is my number if you’d like to catch up some time”. She left it on the bike.

 

About a week later she runs up to me all excited, “oh my god the guy from the bike called me! And we went out! His name is Wade he is one of the physiotherapy students”.

 

I was quite shocked and excited for her “oh my god are you serious??? Really? You went out already? So he wasn’t ugly, really overweight fatty boomba or a weirdo?”

 

Carly: no! He is so hot, so buff he has big muscles, really hot body. I am having my new apartment housewarming on Saturday and you will meet him then. Cant wait for you guys to meet him. He is so big and I love how he puts his arms around me.

 

Saturday night came along and Marie and I helped her set up for her party. We welcomed the people into the house and showed them around while Carly played perfect hostess for the night. Then the door bell rang about half an hour later. I opened the door… there were 3 guys standing at the door and I looked up, and kept looking up and further up… here infront of me stood this ginormous 6”7 guy who was huge. HUGE. I do not mean that he was Arnie Swartznegger huge…he was… Professor Klump big… and quite the most unattractive man ive ever seen. This was Wade the bike man. Wade walked right in and handed over a bottle of Wild Turkey bourbon and headed for the chicken wings I had made (he ate most of the 50 wings I had made before the rest of the guests arrived). Carly was flirting with him and getting carried around by him..

 

Carly was so excited to see him I had my own thoughts on the matter, however, I kept silent as I was not going to say anything just because the guy was unattractive and really really really overweight, not my place to be shallow, it wasn’t me he was interested in bagging. I had a few of our friends come up to me and say “what the hell is she doing with that guy?? He isn’t really paying attention to her unless she is jumping on him and he is eating all the food! And he is so unattractive what is she doing??? Where did she meet this guy??” What could i say except “she met his bike first and gave his bike her number and well here is the result”.

 

Towards the end of the night the guy had broken 2 chairs by simply sitting on them. I had a few of the guys say to me that they were still hungry because Wade ate all the food so I cooked up some more chicken wings and made them some sandwhiches. While i was cooking in the kitchen things happened out in the party..

 

suddenly Marie barges into the kitchen and tells me “stop what you are doing right now… we have to save Carly, that girl is making a mistake, she will regret it tomorrow we have to stop her”

 

Me: what are you talking about? What’s happened?

Marie: Carly has gone upstairs with Wade..he will break her bed!

Me: *burst out laughing*

Marie: Its not funny, this is serious! She barely knows this guy who knows what he will do!

Me: what can we do? She is already in her room with him.

Marie: susi do something!

 

So I took a deep breath and walked to the bottom of the stairs where the people who were still around had gathered to laugh about it, look at the bent legs on the chairs he had broken and try to figure out how he managed to break these chairs with steel legs. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and shouted:

 

“Carly… Carly can you come help with the food, the guys are hungry”

No response.

 

“Carly, everyone is leaving you should come down and say good bye.”

 

No response at all.

 

Marie, very worried suggested to me: you have to go up there and tell Carly to stop doing whatever she is doing and come down here now.

 

Me: Urgh fine!

 

I went upstairs to her room and knocked on the door, “Carly open up the girl want their bags so they can go home then you guys can keep doing whatever it is you are doing”

 

Carly opens the door and in a fluster says “im sorry hun, im so drunk… here are the bags..oh my god im so embarrassed ha ha ha”.

Me: You sure you wanna do this with this guy?? Maybe you should wait till youre not so pissed off your nut..

Carly: don’t worry hun, I know what I am doing

 

I rescued the bags and walked down stairs. Marie and I and most of the guests left the party.

 

Next day:

 

Couple of us got together at Carly’s house and Carly starts to tell us:
“I am so hung over haha… my head hurts… I am never drinking again… Wade hasn’t called me today at all. I don’t know about these guys, he seemed really interested and then nothing”

 

Me: well Carly all I can say is that the guy was… um… pretty big…

Carly: Yeah he is huge, works out like 5 times a week

Me thinking: works out? You mean eats 5 tonnes a week

Me replied: Yeah well we tried to rescue you last night, did you… sleep with him?

Carly: No… we were playing around and well he was too big for me… it really hurt… and something weird happened which i don’t know if its natural or not

The other person: the guy broke 2 chairs Carly, the man was huge! And he doesn’t look like he works out

Carly: He does, though… ok the weird thing that happened was that he was you know..fully erect and in the middle of him being on top of me he gets up and goes to the bathroom leaves the door open so I can see him and he pees while still erect.. is that normal???

 

Well the conversation went on from there… needless to say this was only one of the many times and tribulations of Carly. After that Wade never really called her again or went out with her. Carly finally came to her senses and when she realised she didn’t have his attention anymore the guy became “that fat head ugly mistake”.

Where I’d rather be right now… 25, March, 2009

I miss this beach. Such fun times, reggae weekends on the beach with the reggae bands playing, fire twirlers and dancers, guitarists, great food and beach bbq's, people dancing and having fun... i miss that

 

the above pic was of a beach in El Salvador. So is this one. I guess I just miss being there.

 

The amazon jungle. It would be so much fun!!! the fresh air, the beautiful jungle sounds... the mosquitos... the anacondas... bliss

 

I love all inclusive resorts, this one is in mexico. I loved mexico last time i was there...and the "mole" mmmmmmm its a tomato sauce thingo not the animal

 This photo above of the mexican all inclusive resort was taken by Jon Barnes at http://ultimatetaxi.com/mexico_vacation/best_swimming_pool_at_mexico_all_inclusive.htm. had to give him props.

Cancun (Mexico) I love this beach. I have an aunty that lives there she married a mexican, she is NOT a mexican and (neither am i ) so I guess I do have mexican family..how embarshment

 

St Lucia - Caribbean Island.. for some reason Ive always been drawn there. Cant wait to go one day

St Lucia again how gorgeous that does that look...oh so inviting!

Africa - My Dream holiday is to go on a long safari tour

watching the Wildebeast in africa... sigh...

I wanna touch the pretty kitty!

My dad and his young wife 25, March, 2009

not my dad and his wife. Billionnaire Jim Clark and new wife model Kristy Hinze. Jim another Champ just like my dad!

Me: So…. how old are you Maryam?

 

 

Maryam looked at my dad, my dad looked at Maryam, my dad and Maryam looked at me…

 

Dad: um..she is 28…

 

Me: oh. *sipping my thankfully very very large juice through a straw* there was nothing more to say.

 

That is how the conversation went with my dad when I met his 3^rd wife back in 2006. My dad, well, what can I say about my dad…My dad went back to live in the old country in 2002. We would speak on the phone whenever he feels like answering my calls every now and then. I went back to where I was born in 2006 for the first time since I was about 5 years old.

 

A cousin of mine had rung me earlier in 2006, 6 months before i was due to leave on my well deserved holiday and said “hey i didn’t know your dad was married”… “married? What do you mean?” “well I saw your dad in the city and gave him a lift home last week, met his wife he has done up his house seems to be doing really well” “oh ok..no I didn’t know he was married.”

 

My dad had told me that the was a woman he was renting out a room to in his big 6 bed 3 bath house and that is why I was talking to a particular girl whenever he rang. He had been telling me that he only had friends. I would encourage my dad and say “dad its ok, if you wanna date you should because I don’t want to end up looking after you too like I do my mum. Its fine with me I don’t care, you should ask her out if she is nice”. So for 2 years he denied denied denied. I told my sister this news and she was fuming, not because she cared whether he was married or not but I guess she had just had enough with my dad’s constant blurriness of reality or hiding things from us or outright withholding information. My sister wanted to confront him she is a little bit… um… hot headed?… and ready to just confront him about it. I on the other hand was willing to stand back, take a deep breath and say ‘ce la vie’ and allow him to dig a deeper hole. I guess I was curious to see how far he would go to conceal this big news from us. So for 5 and ½ months I would ask him every time we spoke on the phone, “so are you seeing anyone? Come on! you are no spring rooster dad, don’t waste your youth” he would always reply with the same “no, im not seeing anyone, im happy with friends just friends”. Ok fine I will accept that to help you sleep well at night.

 

2 weeks before I was due to fly out to El Salvador, I arrived home. Soon as I opened the door my sister quite sternly asked me “why did you not tell me!? Why did you keep this from me!?” …… “what are you talking about?” .. “umm how bout dad being married, he said you knew about it!” …. “What?” …… “you told me not to ring him because I was too upset, but I couldn’t take it anymore, so i rang him and I confronted him about it and he admitted that he is married, he has been married for a year and said he told you about it”

 

I replied to my sister “do you really think that I would ‘forget’ to tell you something like that? I never talk to dad unless you are with me and you hear every conversation I have with him so no I did not forget to tell you. You know as well as me that he just did not want to tell us”. She calmed down and came to her senses that I would not lie to her about that.

 

So we had confirmation! The man was married and had been for over a year…he just probably forgot to tell his children this little piece of information.

 

I could not be bothered going into this issue with him, i didn’t care really. It is his life he can marry whoever he wants, and at least he has someone to look after him therefore less work for me! Yay!

 

I arrived in El Salvador 2 weeks later. I was introduced to his wife Maryam at a dinner. She looked suspiciously young. I had not really been too keen on asking how old she was but curiosity got the better of me. And henceforth the conversation at the top began. I was not too shocked at her being 3 years older than I. The one fact that had me a little gobsmacked was that my dad was 67 at the time… yup my dad had become..one of those men….

 

Some men would call him a champ…

 

And men I date wonder why I take things at face value and place a much higher emphasis on actions rather than words… note to future men I date… you can promise me all you want… I wont believe it until I see it.

 

 

More funnies from El Salvador 21, March, 2009

Personally I prefer HOT dogs, but never tried HAT dogs

Translation: Kar Wach - We spell it wrong but it wash them well

Translation: Prohibited to Urinate - Fine: an axing. (notice that there is a theme here I should donate public toilets i think)

Translation: (big circle) This is your brain, (small circle) this is your brain after drugs. (small circle underneath) this is your anus... (big circle next to that) This is your anus in prison. Dont Steal

i dont know whether to laugh or feel sorry for him... because he could be wearing a gstring bc he is too poor to afford his own underwear... or a cross dresser... so conflicted!

Deoxygenated water – the other type of water 19, March, 2009

Apparently, I am not allowed to boil the kettle more than once because it “deoxygenates the water” or so my work place tells me.

 

I am no Chemistry professor but according to my calculations H2O is water in liquid form cold or hot. I believe that if the O, being Oxygen, is removed from the equation H2O then it would only leave H – hydrogen by itself.. which is a gas… and henceforth NO WATER.

 

Since when can you have water that is DEOXYGENATED enough to still be water??? Apparently because “it makes the tea/coffee” taste bad.

 

Hmm if water is “deoxygenating” then im afraid what you are trying to say is that it is EVAPORATING …idiots!

 

Its not like hot water has a different chemical equation when hot … its not H2O½ ! 

 

But my workplace has put a sign up in the tea room to alert you warn you to NOT allow the tea kettle to boil more than once because it “deoxygenates” the water.

 

It doesn’t explain WHY they are telling you this but the dilemma is that if I want a hot cup  of tea or coffee I NEED to boil the water in the kettle…how do i know the water has been boiled already? Wat if it hasn’t? Do I take my chances and break the tea room law and Deoxygenate the water???

 

I questioned the reason for the sign and was told, “because boiling it more than once makes the water go flat” ….. flat? Since when is tap water/filtered tap water fizzy, bouncy and full of life as opposed to flat, sad and lost its glee? … this person further went on to explain that “it made the tea/coffee taste really bad and they could tell by the first sip of their cup if someone had deoxygenated the water”. Really? Is that so? Well that led me to instigate a little Susi Spice experiment… each time i walked past the tea room I would purposely put the kettle to boil, as my desk is within my visual scope I could see if anyone was changing the water or not. A whole day went by when, in particular, this person who put the sign up went and made themselves several cups of tea with the same water I had boiled at least 5 times that day.

Gout and Mark 19, March, 2009

My friend Mark works in another company. I rang him during the day to discuss a particular matter we are both dealing with. At the end of the formalities we had a bit of a chat and the conversation went like this:

 

Susi Spice: Well now that formalities are out of the way how’s your day been? How are you?

 

Mark: Im ok… *sigh*

 

Susi Spice: Whats wrong ma brother from another mother?

 

Mark: haha brother from another mother that’s funny I like it. I think … I may.. have gout…

 

Susi Spice: Gout?

 

Mark: Yeah Gout, the drinking man’s disease.. *sounding very sad*

 

Susi Spice: *Burst of laughter* Gout? What do you mean you have Gout?

 

Mark: *laughing a  little* i could barely get up this morning my heel was so puffed up and inflamed. I never said i HAD gout, i MIGHT have gout I have to go see a doctor.

 

Susi Spice: I will find out some remedies and email them to you ok?

 

Mark: Thanks, buddy will talk to you later.

 

So I did what any friend would do and sent him some suggestions I found the email is below:

 

From: Susi Spice

To: Mark P.

 

Hi im Troy McClure, you may remember me from such medical info-mercials such as

 

“Acne…Your friend, Your foe and other date and mate repellants”

 

“Welcome to the scrape-n-ator… your guide to scabs”

 

And

 

“Fungi… scratch that itch and get hitched”

 

 

Tonights medical info-mercial is about Gout… Gout the drinking man’s disease…

Home remedies include things like:

 

1)     Taking in more Vitamin C (4 fifths of people know that)

2)     Eating at least one handful of cherries or making them into juice

3)     Increase your intake of calcium via yoghurt or milk

4)     Increase your intake of celery to at least 4 times a day eating 10 sticks per occassion

 

(Please note that the above remedies may or may not reduce ulric acid and as such may or may not contain any medical basis for them. Nor is there any proof that they do or do not work. Source: Google)

 

Good luck!

 

Susi Spice.

The Santa Clara BMX Bandits 18, March, 2009

Memories… all alone in the moonlight… well when I was a child I developed a bit of a defend the meek and weak attitude… I developed a bit of a superhero defend truth, justice and the Susi Spice way!

 

I remember when I got my very first “big girl” bike when I was 9 years old, it was sooooo pretty, it was pink and white with multicolour tassles on the handles, a bell, it had a cute little basket on the front, pink rim wheels with white tyres, it had a cool little flashing red light on the back… white seat with pink trim around it and I was inlove with my bike.

 

Everyone of my neighbourhood girl friends loved my bike too! They always asked for a ride. Usually I would dinky ride them (dinky ride might be a goofy aussie term so for the Whitty Diatribes and Blunt Deliveries of the world out there its when a person sits on your front handles and you pedal) but occasionally to my more trusted friends, I would entrust them with my gorgeous beautiful new bike. The boys, of course, thought it was too pink and they were not big fans of the bikes, they had BMX bikes which was all the rage back then but we all would still ride our bikes together.

 

Then we heard about a movie that had come out about 7 years or so before called the BMX Bandits. It was about two BMX bikers who got involved with bank robbers hence the bandits. We were a group of neighbourhood friends who all lived in the same neighbourhood, we all went to the same private school and were well-behaved, polite, studious, good mannered children… (ok I may have exaggerated that the last parts). We had nice parks and plenty of green areas in which to play in so a lot of the older kids from the suburb on the other side of our school who were trouble makers would come to our side and  try to bully us.

 

Me and this friend a boy named Guy decided to start our own BMX Bandit gang. We thought we were soooo cool, however, the Santa Clara BMX Bandits as we called ourselves would not be bully kids we would be “the guys who didn’t let other people be bullied by the big older mean kids”.. try saying that title 5 times fast for a gang name. We were a group of about 10 kids, 4 girls and 6 boys who rode our bikes (most of which were not BMX bikes) around the neighbourhood looking out for bullies. We were not afraid to stand up to them.

 

“hey! You! Kid! Is that guy bullying you!?”

 

“no……….. thats just my older cousin”

 

“alright then”

 

And we would keep on riding the neighbourhood. If they did ever say “yes he/she is being mean” guess who was the little curly –haired shorts-wearing little defendant of justice? Yup….. me… I would go up to these girls and boys and say, “stop bullying him! Pick on someone your own size you big bully!” and usually they would just leave and run away when they would see my army and me with our hands on our hips ready for a rumble. This was our usual routine on our afterschool rides together.

 

One day we started seeing people we had never seen before enter our neighbourhood.. these were real mean looking kids. They stormed into the neighbourhood wearing black shorts, black old ripped t-shirts with mullet hair cuts or shaved heads with rats-tails (a piece of hair growing from the base of the back of their head) and sometimes even wearing earrings! Plus most of them were also aboriginal, which made us be a little more scared of them.

 

I remember my first encounter with them. It was a hot summer afternoon and the Santa Clara BMX Bandits were on patrol. We rode around to the local swimming pool parking lot and were having fun trying to jump over the speed humps that segmented the parking aisles. When one of the Bandits heard a kid crying and alerted us to the distress call, “hey guys I think over there is someone who is hitting another kid, lets go!” no sooner had he finished saying that when we were all on our dash of mercy to save this kid. We got to the end of the street near a complex of townhouses where we found a kid about our age who was crying on the floor with 3 big girls about 12 years old who were part of the group of kids in black we had started noticing hanging around. I wasn’t afraid of them so I went up to one of them and said, “why are you picking on him? Go pick on someone your own size” admittedly I said it with some trepidation and the fear inside me could probably be seen in my eyes…The girl wore a very loose fitting black and white t-shirt, bangles on her wrist, with the half pony tail, and missing left canine, she was aboriginal or at least half aboriginal, brown eyes and really skinny. She stood a good one foot taller than I. She raised both her eyebrows at me walked and stood right up to me, looking down and asked “oh yeh and where’s your mummy (mommy)?”

She caught me off guard! I didn’t have my mum with me! Oh shit! Crap crap crap crap crap! … all i could reply was “at home” and just as I had finished saying that the little twerpe slapped me across the face… and said “yeh well get lost you little curly haired bitch face and mind your own business you slut”…

 

Tears welled up in my eyes… oh my god what had just happened to me!???? What did bitch mean? did she think i was fat?? and slut?? is that a food??? It did not compute!… the other two girls laughed and high fived the ugly cow who slapped me and they walked away from us. We all stood there in stunned silence… I cried, then Rachel cried, then Peter laughed…he was such a little trooper.. hehe no really Peter cried the others just stood in silence watching. Guy came over and put his arms around me and said “don’t worry susi, they are just mean idiots lets go home” and just like that the Santa Clara BMX Bandits were left with nowhere to go, what could we do?… we walked home pushing our bikes. We all went to Tenniels house and her grandmother gave us all peanut butter and jam sandwiches with hot Milo and we watched a cartoon show then all went to our respective homes. I didn’t tell my mum or dad what had happened, they would have never allowed me to go outside again.

 

The Santa Clara BMX Bandits never rode again as the Bandits, we moved on to playing marbles both friendlies and for keeps…

 

The Great Disappointment 14, March, 2009

This post will be short and sweet.     

Went to a party tonight, soon as I walked in I was introduced to a few new people. I met Andrew. Andrew and I since we met for some reason seemed to be very attracted to each other we met one second we are talking non-stop the next, getting each other drinks, joking around giving each other looks and smiles across the room or wherever we were standing when talking with other people… all the signs seemed to be there… we talked about travelling and he always said “I will go to” and me using I I I only…never did I hear the word “we” or “girlfriend”.. we said we would keep in touch. He was leaving the party I watched him either wave or go around shaking hands with girls and guys gave NO ONE a hug… then as he walked past me he turned and came back to give me a big tight hug… signs were there………. Or so I thought… he said he would talk to me next week (as he works with my friend in a building a block away from mine)… the signs were there…. Or so I thought….

So after he left and gave me a big hug, I asked two of my girlfriends… “was I really off the mark and reading things wrong or was there something there with this guy because I really liked him?” and they said “no it was obvious you two seemed inseparable since you walked in the door and he hugged only you. He didn’t even hug the birthday girl and he was been very attentive to you”… so we all agreed… mutual attraction was there….

So the birthday girl works with him yay! I have a connection there to him…or so I thought… The birthday girls comes  to talk to me and I said to her “I really liked your work mate Andrew, he was really nice ”and she replied.. “oh I forgot to tell you he has a girlfriend that he lives with”

There it is… The Great Disappointment… and there are two reasons why I have called it The Great Disappointment 1) ive never felt such an instant connection and attraction with anyone and it felt really good and it felt really mutual 2) disappointed because the impression of the guy has been shattered… he has a girlfriend but failed to mention her in anyway for the entire night. He never made any references to any girls AT ALL… so not fair.. he got proof that he still has it… but I got jipped! Totally ripped off!!!

There is only one thing left to say…

NNNNNNEXT!!

Who took the cookies from the cookie jar!? yes you! not me! 13, March, 2009

This will be a confession…

 

Forgive me blog father for I have sinned

 

It has been a few days since my last blog confession…

 

I have never been a sugar person… I am sweet yes that I wont deny you… but I am a savoury person. If there is a party or a function or work afternoon tea and there is food… I will gravitate to the savoury stuff and leave all the chocolate, cakes and cookies, ice cream etc to everyone else… except if there are good quality chocolate chip cookies.. that is my one sugary weakness…

 

So at work we often have these big conference meeting rooms where we hold our negotiation meetings etc it is stocked with tea and coffee provisions as well as cookie jars. When clients attend and we are there using the rooms we are able to take cookies and/or tea and coffee while we wait for the meeting to start or at the end of a meeting. Usually the admin girls would fill up the cookie jars with other crappy cookies that I care nothing for. Until now…

 

A few days ago I walked into my big conference meeting room filled with 20 very capable lawyers, negotiators and their clients and I got the biggest grin and smile on my face…as if god’s light was shining upon this beacon  of heavenly delight demonstrating to me that in that humble cookie jar.. were individually wrapped chocolate chip cookies that were my favourite brand……… One of the lawyers from my client’s team commented “wow Susi Spice, you are looking bright and ready to go today, glad we can all put a smile on your face” … yeah…thats what I was thinking…. YOU put the smile on my face….. but I was in torture for the whole 3 hours that negotiation meeting lasted for… the torture of being seated sooooo far away from them…. the pain of seeing them just waiting there for me to enjoy their gorgeous delicious chocolatey chip cookie taste…… how could this be happening…. it was arduous…. the waiting the waiting was killing me… I needed those cookies dammit!… so when we reached the end of the meeting I waited for everyone to leave … my pretence for remaining in the room was that “I felt like giving the admin girls a hand in cleaning up after us, so I will just gather up the water glasses for them and tidy up a bit” … “ wow thats nice of you” was their commentary… little did they know… I was after the cookies…  all but 3 people had left and they remained in the room. 2 were discussing the outcome of the meeting and one whom I suspect might like me a little more than the good mediator I am…he kept following me around “i can help you with that susi spice” and in my mind I thought “no! I don’t want u to and why do you want to help me??? You don’t work here! “ but he followed me all over the room…twice! which I thought was a little weird… he kept asking me how my weekend was etc that he hopes to see me around more often blah blah blah kept doing the touchy feely thing…now by any other opinion (like Carly’s) I prob should have paid more attention to him if he was interested in me because after all he might be a touch older than me (ok he is like 40 45 years old and thats like decades older) but he is a big time mine manager and by that virtue alone I prob should have paid more attention to him. Millionaire but not slumdog by any means.. haha but all I cared about was… mmmm cookies…

 

I know some of you are thinking, well youre dumb you should have just got the damn cookies why are you waiting for everyone to leave?? Well the reason why I waited till everyone left was… because I wasn’t planning on taking ONE individually wrapped cookie… I wanted to take several…

 

3 days later the big cookie jar was nearly empty……. I heard the admin manager comment “wow everyone has gone through those cookies in a hurry” … yeahhhhhh thats it… everyone…

 

Today I walked into that room again… and the jar was filled to the brim again with glorious cookies!!! As I left the room I grabbed another 2 wrapped cookies…

 

Mmm chocolate chip cookies…

 

For a week now ive not really needed to have lunch.. bc I keep eating too many cookies…

Celebrities Separated at Birth…or brothers from a different mother? 10, March, 2009

Michael Jackson and Terri Hatcher... proof Michael is in touch with his feminine side

 

KD Lang and Toby McGuire... uncanny resemblance... brothers from a different mother fo sho!

 

Michael Jackson and Shannen Doherty -

 

Dave Grohl and Alanis Morisette...my grandma and grandpa what big teeth you have... or is that big mouth....

Things that really get my cranky pants all in a knot! this is for you B! *wink 10, March, 2009

Ive been having withdrawals from lack of blogging… blogging withdrawals… so cold… so so cold…. I apologise I have been quite busy at work and have hardly had an opportunity to sit back and let my little mind wonder into conversations of its own with itself.

 

I was having this conversation with Whitty Diatribes, Mr B, and he mentioned how accents and people using “goofy phrases” can annoy him. Well, Bob’s your uncle cobber! it struck me like a kittle to the fiddle.. I find some accents and other things annoy me too i think he and i almost had a blue over it!

 

So I decided to get a few things off my chest and outline some things that really grate my chops!

 

Things that, bloody oath, i can honestly say bug my tomatoes:

 

1)    When people pronounce the word “ask” as “aks” – the word is ASK not AKS!

2)   People that end their sentences with “but” eg – I did ask her but or that’s not how its supposed to be but.

3)   People that use the word “goofy” … that’s so American…

4)   Certain people from certain ethnic groups that do not know how to queue or line up for service and assume they can just barge in push into the front of the line

5)    Certain people from particular ethnic groups that have no idea how to drive and cause car accidents and near pile ups because they suddenly want to change directions in the middle of a freakin freeway!!

6)   People that do not indicate while driving.

7)   Knee jerkers… ever notice how some people will be sitting down but their knee is in a constant state of continuous intense bouncing

   Know it alls who really do not know it all

9)   People who fail to correctly pronounce words in their own native English language properly eg pronouncing THIS as DIS and THAT as DAT

10) People who fail to realise that in their own native English there is no such word as YOUSE, it is “you” in both singular and plural form. It is not “youse guys” it is “you guys”.

11)  People who think that if they speak or write in long convoluted sentences repeating themselves a million times in different ways makes them seem smarter.

12) Women and men who believe belching is a form of legitimate entertainment

13) People who feel they need to spend all their money on appearing wealthy yet cannot afford to buy themselves a decent meal and expect everyone else to pay for them.

 

 

I am sure I can come up with plenty more but I have some work to do before I leave the office for the day… hehe

 

Feel free to add your own!

why dont people help anymore? 6, March, 2009

Its very sad that nowadays people are not willing to help strangers. It is sad because it stems from two things I think

1)    Selfishness is more prominent

2)    People sue those who help them – ungrateful sods

I have taken the risk twice to help some stranger. Ok so they both happened to be alcoholic vagabonds but still I couldn’t just step over their body and not check if they were alive or dead as other people were doing. The first time was on the train, this guy in front of me was sitting there basically bent over so far right that he was on top of the man (OLDER 50-ish yr old). He wasn’t moving he was just dangling his arms and didn’t look right. My stop was coming up and I got up noticing that in this peak hour train not even the man who looked severely uncomfortable and contorted in his seat next to the man didn’t move one bit to see if this guy was ok. So I took a step towards the man, and grabbed him from his shoulders and shook him to see if he was awake, “hello? Are you OK? Hello??”and shook him as they teach you in first aid. No response.. im thinking oh crap…. I try again I lifted him up again and shook him harder trying to get a response… and nothing..at this point everyone was looking with great interest that possibly there is a dead guy in their carriage. Eventually on the third big shake the guy responded to me “im ok, too much drink, I b fine” but he woke up and seemed more alert so I was much happier to walk away.

This afternoon leaving work, once again, another man laying strewn across the footpath out in public on the street I walk towards my train station. There were plenty of people who literally walked over him and others just observed and didn’t do anything to see if he was ok. So I stopped and tried to wake him up, yeah ok so he was passed out due to alcohol also but still I at least made an attempt to see if he was alive. Why don’t people assist anymore?

Another Bloody list for a Girl’s stupid wishlist for the perfect man 5, March, 2009

Ok, as little girls we are all read fairy tale stories about the beautiful princess and the handsome prince who live happily ever after.  Let me give you a little taste of what this life time time-line may look like:

 

Age 5 – little girl loves her Cinderella fairy story, where the handsome prince gives the beautiful Cinderella her glass slipper and they fall in love and live happily ever after. Girl starts to think: I want to marry a prince.

 

Age 10 – starts to have or already has experienced her first crush. She tells her best friend “i like Robbie, he is cute, he has nice brown eyes and nice hair”, her friend replies, “yeah but i like Tommy because he is taller and has blue eyes”… little girl thinks… hmmm i like nice eyes and nice hair… but she is right i want him to be taller too… Robbie is a bit too short…

 

Age 12 – little girls sleep over they tell each other who they have a crush on, little girls says “i like Tommy because he is tall, has nice eyes and nice hair” another friend says, “yeah but i like Matt because he is tall, has nice eyes, nice hair and he buys me a chocolate at every recess”. So the little girl thinks…. hmmm yes i do want that too…so i want a boy who is tall, has nice eyes, nice hair and buys me chocolates AND a bag of chips..just so my boy is better than Tracy’s…

 

Age 16 – Teenage girl has her first party to go to and she admits to her friend Lucy that she likes Alex because he is tall, has nice eyes, nice hair, buys her lunch every day at school. Lucy replies, “yeah he is nice but i like James better because he is tall, has nice eyes, nice hair, buys me lunch everyday and buys me flowers too!” so teenage girls starts to think..hmmm i am missing out here! I want that too! So she starts to list the things she wants;

Tall, nice eyes, nice hair, buys her lunch everyday, is romantic buys her flowers and drives a car and is the hottest looking guy in school, and has to cool, definitely not a dork, cant wear glasses, has to have spikey hair, oh and muscles definitely muscles, he cant have a high voice, he has to be on the basketball or football team, and smell nice, and take her to the movies, and spend lots of time with her, and take her to the graduation dance, and …

 

Fast forward a few years

 

Age 24 – Young woman admits to her girlfriends she cannot  find a good man because they are all losers. Why is it so hard to find a man who:

Drives a nice car, has a great job, a doctor maybe, has great hair, great teeth, has a great body, great abs, great ass, has money, who buys her dinners, who buys her presents, who is an executive at a big company, who takes her on overseas vacations, who buys her flowers, who has a nice a voice, has a great laugh, who has good posture, who has nice hands, who has great veins, who’s toes aren’t too big, who’s toes aren’t too small, who has big hands but not too big, who has a good sense of humor, who is serious when it needs to be, who is a gentlemen and opens doors, who isn’t s exist, who is sensitive, who isn’t a wuss, who is great in bed, who has a big penis, who hasn’t got a small penis, and is kind, generous, loving, stands up for himself, who looks after her, who wont smother her, and he isn’t jealous, and he isn’t possessive, and he doesn’t drink heavily, who goes to church, who is freaky in bed, and has broad shoulders, cant have a receeding hairline, cant be hairy, and has great legs, no ugly feet, and wont cheat, who is devoted to her… etc etc etc etc

 

Well we are dumb aren’t we? We make lists that could circle the earth ten times over its circumference. Now to add to the stupid lists a scientific studies has brought out the following article:

 

Finger size link to earning power

 

WHAT THE !????

 

The length of a man’s fingers may predict his success in the City, research findings suggest.

Scientists at Cambridge University found that financial traders whose ring fingers are longer than their index fingers make the most money.

The link could be down to testosterone exposure in the womb, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences says.

This exposure may improve rapid decision-making skills and has been linked with aggression.

The same ring-to-index finger ratio, which is determined in the womb, has previously been associated with success in competitive sports.

Researcher John Coates and his team reported last year that testosterone seemed to boost short term success at finance after they found City traders with higher levels of the male hormone in the morning were more likely to make an unusually big profit that day.

Aggression hormone

Their latest findings are based on a study of 44 men working as traders in London, some of whom earned more than £4 million a year.

Over 20 months those traders with longer ring fingers made 11 times more money than those with the shortest ring fingers relative to their index fingers.

This “biological” impact on success was about equal to years of experience at the job. The most experienced traders made about nine times more than the least experienced ones.

When the researchers looked only at the experienced traders, those with longer ring fingers earned far more than those with shorter ring fingers – £838,000 compared to £154,000 on average, respectively.

The scientists believe that exposure to the “aggression” hormone testosterone in the womb may have improved the traders’ concentration and honed reflexes necessary to follow prices and make trades on extremely short notice.

This suggests that success on the financial markets is influenced by biology as much as experience, the researchers told PNAS.

Meanwhile, Belgian researchers have found men with longer ring fingers become less “socially minded” – less willing to give money to a fellow participant – after watching aggressive movies.

The reverse was also true – those with shorter ring fingers gave away the most money.

Lead researcher Kobe Millet said: “These results tell us that levels of testosterone people are exposed to before birth go on to affect their behaviour throughout their lives.”

He said studies suggested similar associations with finger length are also seen in women.

 

 

So now you know guys… now you are aware of another (stupid) little thing some women will be looking for in you when you are out on date…the size of your fingers… no longer will women just ask to have an STD (sexual transmitted disease) test they will ask your doctor to also test for this aggression hormone….

 

Next time you are out on a date and the woman lovingly takes your hand in hers..stroking it gently…oddly isolating your ring finger and studying it closely…. she is not thinking about marriage..she is thinking about this article… she is wondering… how much money are you able to really earn… and will that make you more attractive to her…

 

There is not just the ring finger theory. For decades, perhaps generations, there is also the Toe Theory. There are varying versions on the Toe Theory. Version one says that if your second toe is bigger than your big toe then you are more likely to be aggressive and dominant in relationships, version two says that if your second toe is bigger than your big toe then you are more likely to be unfaithful in relationships…hmmmmmmmmmm

 

So there is possibly an evolutionary and scientific excuse for cheating ??

 

“sorry baby, but you knew this would happen, you knew from the first time you saw my toes that i was more likely to cheat..not my fault… its the toes fault”

 

Im sorry men, good luck though!

 

This story just made me have enough! Enough! Lists why do we have them? Just so that when we meet a guy we are disappointed because they have a small penis no bigger erect than the width of our small palm??? To be disappointed because they don’t have the best job in the world!?? To be disappointed because they have more issues than Britney spears and Micheal Jackson put together!????

 

Sigh…

 

Ill breathe now…

 

I think ill just go back to my manbattical… its nice there….