Randy was afraid that this video would never get to Janice… Randy… I felt how painful your video was… so I am going to share your video with the world because Janice needs to know….
Internet Dating killed Video Dating 24, September, 2009
Ok so ive not written for a while. And for this i apologise. Some have accused me of blog abandonment just because I started dating someone and this has turned out to be such a great relationship. Happy = blog abandonment. I don’t see it this way, I see it as I had nothing more to whinge about, nor did I have any more stupid dating stories to tell and I guess I was happy enough to no longer cry or be depressed about being single.
I am lucky, its going very well. 7 months and counting! Hopefully it will keep getting better. I met my boyfriend through my dancing. We both went to the same salsa dance school and now we both are assistant dance teachers.
As you may have read in previous posts I was forced into the internet dating phenomenon, which lasted about 3 weeks and 3 horrible dates (money sucking leach, cankles man and the bogan druggy) and to which I hope I NEVER return.
It got me thinking how did people before us meet people? I interviewed 3 couples from my mum’s church who had been married for at least 30 years. I asked the following questions:
How did you meet?
Couple #1 married for 30 years: We met at dance in the town we lived in through some friends.
Couple #2 married for 40 years: We were introduced by friends, whom at the time were dating.
Couple #3 married for 50 years: We were highschool sweethearts, and never looked back.
So why is it that so many people, and I include myself in this when I was single, complain that there is never anyone good out there or least the good ones are taken. The populations have grown exponentially since the couples above met each other. Is it that too much choice makes us too choosy and therefore we always think that we can do better? Or is it that natural selection has fallen behind schedule and cant keep up with the birth rate?
Lets look history. Generally around turn of the last century people were usually set up by family’s. By the 1940’s and 50’s we even had propaganda about “going steady” and the dangers of that. Advice given publicly and in homes that people should date lots first without any commitment, find out how they felt with many different people before deciding to “go steady”. The mother’s would advise their daughters to not “make a habit of dating” with the same boy as it might drift into “going steady”. While you were not thinking marriage, you didn’t go steady with anyone. Once a young person thought of marriage then you could think about going steady to find out if they were the one. In Essentials we are still of the same frame of mind.
In the 1960’s the swinger was born. Carefree singles living in single’s complexes and attending single’s only events. Marriage was less in the minds of those dating and focus was more on having fun and enjoying singledom. Marriage was not even considered until people were 25! Imagine that! Nearly over the hill there… *note sarcasm*
And then we come to the 80’s. Ah the 80’s the era that brought us Ferris Buler’s Day Out, Caddy Shack, Cannonball Run and other classics brought us the era of video dating…….
We all Love a Wedding party 2! 1, September, 2009
As my best friend says....every pot has its lid... not much else i can say...
Yup...she makes herself look all sweet now......
but wait till after then wedding...we have all seen 'The Grudge' right?...yup thats her!
Goths wedding... hmmm isnt that contradicting what they are about??
have to admit they are good costumes..
I like the colour blue....
I guess once a goth always a goth?
um..... i think you forgot your skirts...please.... please....go get them...
omg..who died.....??
that poor woman...i guess the people in the photo above were going to her funeral?...no? what do you mean the bride???
oh... the bride and groom... in all their... deathly glory?
We All Love a Wedding! 21, August, 2009
So its been a while since ive posted. Im sorry, ive had no motivation or inspiration. I hope to get it back soon. J
But in the meantime I wanted to share some tragic wedding pictures that might give those of you searching for ideas… some food for thought…. enjoy!!
"We are going to look so cool in this pic"
"and by the power invested in me I pronounce you man and wife... you have 15 seconds to start runnin before i come-a shottin ya consarnit!"
"We is ready for combat when da muslim come"
"enjoy the day bitch cause the honeymoon is mine"
"Ofcourse i married her for her bre...breains... thats how we say brains in the south..breains... *swish that was a good save*"
"i cant believe I married the handsomest boy in school"
I think some catholic girl got pregnant and this was the only way to hide it from her minster father... "ill just tell him we are married tomorrow... or the day after his hangover... he wont know the difference..."
I iz told J'Qkwan dat we aint not having no bastard baby. Bitch we iz gettin' married Today!
"I pronounce you Bro and Ho"
how old are these ppl!? ... Watcha been smokin willis!?
"Its OK no one's looking"
Ok, laugh all you want.. but gotta give coutos for the cake... damn well made cake..
lady bugs?
The dress is actually a mermaid costume
"So baby... you and me first dance.. you iz ma woman"
Again the mermaid constume...
"the invite did say classy dress"
Let me introduce you to the Mother and Father of the bride...
Cinderella's carriage.... hired out for 60Pounds... due back by 11pm or at midnight it turns into a pumpkin
The bride... somewhere in there..
Its nice to see that the brides ideas will live on in the next generation
um.... ok....is fantasy going too far u think?
Im not drunk! Im Ethnic! 25, June, 2009
There are plenty of arguments held over this thing we call multiculturalism. A recent study allegedly found that the majority of Australians were in favour of multiculturalism but at the same time were afraid of the effects of multiculturalism would have on racial harmony if it was not managed well.
For those of you who do not know what multiculturalism is I will give you one definition as defined by the South Australian Multicultural and Ethnic Affairs Commission Act 1980, “policies and practices that recognise and respond to the ethnic diversity of the South Australia community and have as their primary objects the creation of conditions under which all groups and members of the community may:
- Live and work together harmoniously.
- Fully and effectively participate in, and employ their skills and talents for the benefit of, the economic, social and cultural life of the community.
- Maintain and give expression to their distinctive cultural heritages.
Essentially saying you have a right to express your culture, be who you are and that in you will be valued for it in the workplace and social settings also.
Now given that you understand what this is lets follow the story that appeared in one of our newspapers today:
”Bartenders fined for serving a high five”
A high five was not a drink or some sort of underground bootlegged banned alcohol. It was literally a high five. It further explains
“Ivan Pancho was confronted by an undercover police officer and frogmarched out of the …club after he high-fived a friend before ordering a blue lagoon cocktail. The two barmaids were fined, one for preparing the drink and another for serving it… A staff insider said Mr Pancho…was in no way intoxicated and was a well-known club regular who was always friendly and well behaved…
They [police] told the manager that her [police] grounds for kicking me out was that I gave someone a high-five. Come on, West Tigers were playing”
Ok so let’s link this back to the multiculturalism thing. Ivan Pancho is clearly ethnic (see picture below). Lets face it, how many ethnic people do you know who are quiet, non talkative and expressionless? I think that Ivan Pancho was probably having a great ol’ time and enjoying the football game. The man probably had a booming voice as he laughed and talked out loud and it pissed off this undercover police who’s version of shouting is barely audible by an ant. I think this police officer was getting jealous that he wasn’t paying her attention or maybe they were jealous that his team was beating her team. Yes I know that people will say, well maybe he was drunk and was out of order… well given that the staff who were there watching him say that he was NOT intoxicated and that he was NOT misbehaving or causing trouble should have been enough to NOT give the bartenders a fine and NOT kick the guy out.
Ivan Pancho
This police officer was out of order, this police officer needs to have some training in understanding other cultures and how they behave.
Us ethnics do not sit around knitting wool and drinking cups of tea and think that is a jolly good time… to us it would be the beginning of insanity.
My neighbours are two African guys and when they are home and playing on their Wii you can hear them laughing and joking around even when I have my door closed. But I know that it is how they are, it is their culture.
Other cultures will speak to each other as if they are fighting but they are not, ever been to a Greek wedding or party? Its awesome! Everyone talks, everyone laughs, and everyone dances.
Arabs – when you hear them talking to each other you would think they are constantly telling each other off, they not doing that necessarily its just culture its the expressionist in them.
The latinos – my people… come on! we are in the middle of a war zone and still manage to put on a big street party with bands and dancing plenty of food and drink no one necessarily gets trashed or drunk but people are talking and expression every emotion they feel. When we are watching football games or the world cup we are the first to be banging drunks, blowing whistles, singing at the top of our lungs in support of our team.. we are not drunk… we are just emotion crazy!
What this undercover police person needs to understand is that it is the way it is, ethnic people will express anger, sadness and happiness in loud vocal and demonstrative ways it doesn’t mean we are drunk and disorderly. If anything we should arrest you for being plain BORING!
Ma’… Tha rains is ‘ere! tha rains is ‘ere! 22, May, 2009
The weatherman had been telling us all week “watch out for the rain tomorrow, forecast is for showers and a possible storm later”, all week it had been nothing but blue skies, sunshine lolliepops… so of course when I awoke to glorious sunshine, crispy morning and light wind, with barely a cloud in the sky I thought… “i don’t need an umbrella”
Walking through the hospital (which is my short cut to work) I see some people with umbrellas and think “well, you guys are carrying it for nothing”.
I had walked into the hospital seeing sunshine and when I got to the other end it was pouring cats and dogs and their water bowls. Couldn’t believe it! As I stood there I wondered if I could do the Homer Simpson thing put my foot out of one side of the hospital “sunshine” the other foot out the other side “rain” “sunshine! Rain! Sunshine! Rain! Sunshine! Rain!”
What annoyed me the most were the selfish bastards who had umbrellas…
Yeah you, you know im talking about you!
I stood there in my dress, waiting for the rain to dissipate… while bastard after bastard walked past with their big huge beach umbrellas that could cover a small classroom of children underneath it… did anyone offer to walk me? NO! The only consolation I had was that because these people braved the strong ghastly winds and the rain they heads may have been dry but they entire bodies were getting soaked as they walked down the street… I waited for almost half an hour… but then I saw an opportunity to get out there… I did not get wet, I had a few sprinkles on me… and when I got to my building and approached the elevators… I saw one of those selfish bastards who had SEEN me stuck at the hospital without an umbrella waiting for it. Well Mr Level 5 IT nerd… seems like you have soaked wet shoes and soaked pants… and I don’t, and without an umbrella… he looked at me, gave me a forced kind of a smile while looking down at his soaked body…..hmmm me thinks… CHECK MATE… mate…
When Your Time is up… Your Time is Up… 5, May, 2009
When your time is up, your time is up…Im quite distressed, worried, anxious and shocked….. Woman’s Day gossip magazine has just devastated me…..
“Oprah – Just Five Years to Live”
This diagnosis comes from Dr David Demko, he quoted to the magazine
“Based on her current lifestyle and genetic risk factors, Oprah can only expect to live until she is 58 or 59 years old”
The magazine article further continues –
“This shock diagnosis confirmed fears long-held by those close to Oprah, that she is far from the happy, healthy person she projects.According to Dr Demko, there are a number of positive and negative things that influence how long we live. While Oprah gains years for her charity work and spirituality, he says there are many areas she needs to address….she needs to slow down and bring more happiness into her life…”
Dr Demko is not Oprah’s physician.
http://womansday.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=279779
Woah man this is serious stuff! Let me take some time to digest through this…
First preliminary thoughts
1) If I were Oprah and I read that a Dr Demko diagnosed me with only having 5 years to live i too would be concerned. I mean with all my billions of dollars that I would generate yearly surely I could live for longer than that.
My own mother who is on nightly dialysis treatment as she has no function in both kidneys has lived beyond the time she was expected to… According to Dr Demko’s analysis though my mum too needs more happiness to live longer… Drs said she would only live for maybe 6 months but its now been almost a year and half and this promise has yet to be fulfilled…. With Oprah’s money and the vast resource of kidney’s she could access if she had kidney failure she could just buy one or two or four if she wanted to… that would add another 10-40 years to her life.
2) This Dr Demko – I did indepth research into this man… PhD he did something no else has done… he has major cred here people… he is the inventor of the Death Calculator… http://www.demko.com/boom0525.htm
Well after you have edgumacated yourself and stop being such an illiteratey you might actually take into account Dr Demko’s credible diagnosis of you and Oprah! Thank you Dr Demko… I trust you as much as I trust Dr Nick….The knee bones connected to the… something..the something’s connected to my wrist watch….
I Dated a Coyote Part II 1, May, 2009
Last time you joined my little adventure I had just realised that the guy I was dating, Pablo, was a people smuggler. This explained their enormous wealth in this third world country (yes i know im not being politically correct but lets call a spade a spade shall we?).
So yes, there I was in the car with a whole family of people smugglers. They were very nice to me, so I really wasn’t in a position to spout any kind of personal thoughts on that matter. I kept my mouth shut just smiled and appeared very impressed…. they were latino men and of course I had to stroke ego at that point, plus they were my ride home. A few minutes later Pablo’s dad turns to the driver and says, “do you see that car behind us? That Soarer?”
“Yes sir”
“Pablo, Jose, Ricardo that black soarer has been following us for the last 10 mins”
They turned to look and Ricardo (the dad’s brother) said “well we better get ready”
I had no idea what was going on, but I turned back to look and yup there was a black Soarer driving behind us. As I turned back to sit facing forward… a big black case was pulled out by Pablo’s dad… it looked like the type of case you get when you buy a set of hand held weights? You know the type… rectangular black hard casing and well padded and he pulls out these guns one for each passenger except me… do not ask me what type of guns they were but they were big hand held guns. Thick and black with silver on them…retrospectively they were really cool looking guns… but at the time my heart sunk, I sank into my seat keeping my head below the window level… and started praying.
Pablo’s dad turned and said “ don’t worry Susi Spice you are my son’s girl nothing will happen to you we are looking after you now, you see” he continued to speak softer and had lost any inebriation he had, “The Americans have a little bit of money out for my head so I need to keep alert and protect myself”. The car pulled into a street, then another, as if trying to lose the black Soarer. The car was kept running while the lights were turned off and they waited to see if the black Soarer came for us…
Those were the most tense moments ive lived through in my life to this day…
After about 5 minutes no cars came our way at all. Cautiously they kept a look out as we drove home. About half way home they all relaxed, the guns were put away and I sat up… Pablo’s dad laughed about the incident and we all continued along our merry way. When we arrived at my house, Pablo decided to walk to me to the door and gave me a kiss good night (as if i could say no to him at that point!). Pablo’s dad, from the car, announced, “I like you very much for my son, you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful personality, I hope to see you here more often and hope you don’t escape us to Australia too soon!”
Needless to say I became VERY VERY VERY busy for the remainder of my stay in El Salvador and just unfortunately was caught up in so many family events and do’s that I never could go out with Pablo again.
Part 1 – I dated a Coyote 29, April, 2009
Well it was summer of 2006 in El Salvador. I arrived and met my entire army of family including cousins to 5th generation (how people can keep track of family trees in their head is beyond me) never the less they are family as we were related through my great grandmother’s sister who had a second marriage to some man and produced 4 kids from that marriage and one of those grand aunties had 5 kids and one of those kids had 6 of my aunties and uncles and… ok well point is..is that I met a cousin of mine.
She was awesome as she was down from the USA we went and partied together and had a ball. We had heaps of fun. She introduced me to a friend of hers. I forget his name, but I dated him for about 6 weeks. We will call him.. Pablo. Pablo was quite well off, he strolled around like he owned the place and well yes he will be classified as a typical latin player. He would drive past my mum’s (mom) house everyday for 2 weeks after my cousin introduced me to him and kept asking me out until I finally said yes.
Why did I say yes to this player? Well I figured he had a car, knew the place and would take me to all different places I was yet to visit, he was kinda cute, he was into me and I was on holiday I really didn’t have any excuse not date him. Moreover, the other guy I was dating (who was also the best friend of another of my cousins) lived a bit far away so I didn’t get to see him much (this is another story to come)
One night his father invited me out for an afternoon trip to this town about an hour and half drive away. My mum encouraged me to go as she had visited that town years ago and she had found it quite charming and pretty. I accepted the offer. His father brought his driver, a friend, Pablo and Pablo’s uncle. We all took off, his father said that he was happy that Pablo was dating me as he had known my grandparents and knew that I came from good stock, as he put it. We spent the day in this quaint village. It was quite small, stone coble streets, nothing fancy but had awesome nature surrounding it.
I was tired and just looking forward to getting home and resting. Pablo’s father had been drinking and kept trying to talk to me.
“Susi Spice, you are a beautiful girl, I like you for my son. He is lucky to have you. And you are lucky to have him.”
(me thinking) *whatever, i don’t care, im leaving anyway im just having fun* but of course, i replied
“oh thank you, very nice of you to say”
And in his near drunken stupor continued;
“See we are quite well off, actually, we are very well off, I own cattle hacienda’s, I own a very successful travel business and many cars… you are one lucky girl, my son seems to have really taken to you… this could all be yours if you play your cards right”
*oh you are one of those people who feel they need to flaunt their money, whatever*
“oh ok, well you must be proud of your success”
Here i was thinking, well I guess he will just shut up and let me rest back. But noooooooooo he had to open his big trap!
“Susi Spice, you see, our travel business takes me to Mexico and the USA very often to name a few places. I have many good, great friends. I love my friends there. Have you been?”
“yes i have i loved mexico and well the USA I haven’t travelled extensively but its alright, have you?”
Pablo’s dad gave a big jolly, mischievous laugh and said
“how well can I trust you?”
*not much you’ve known me for like 2 seconds, whatever you wanna tell me you should probably not tell me about it*
“of course you can, otherwise your son wouldn’t have such great judgement to have kept dating me right?”
Pablo’s dad gave a hardy laugh out loud
“I like you Susi Spice, you will do well with us, my most successful business is my travel business… you like travelling don’t you? Well… my travel business is more like transportation…”
*hmmmmmmm this is sounding a little weird…but ok..*
“transportation, that is always a good business…”
“ha ha.. yes it is, it has done us very well. I have gotten my cars, my houses, my villa, my childrens education, everything, my secured retirement, everything I am a wealthy man my girl” at this point he turned to look at me with a grin…
That was kinda freaky…
“Do you know what my family business is Susi Spice?”
*me thinking oh shit what the hell are you people into????*
“um.. do you transport cattle?”
Pablo’s dad threw the biggest laugh I had heard all day, so did all the other men in the car.
“In a way… people like travelling Susi Spice. People like to travel fast and get to where they want.. fast. That is what we provide. Do you know what a Coyote is?”
“um… a desert animal?”
“we are Coyote’s. Our business is the transportation of people to a better life.”
*holy shit, the guy is a people smuggler. There I am dating the heir to a people smuggling business and thereby involvement with the Mexican mafia… Fuck*
To be continued…
so what? so what? so what!? 23, April, 2009
I dont think i got that temporary higher duty assignment I applied for at work L
Im so sad…
So I hadn’t done that type of work before… so what!?
So I wrote in 6 font to try and fit everything i wanted to say into two page… so what!?
So you couldnt read it unless you wore magnifying glasses… so what!?
So I really didn’t know what the job was actually about.. So what!?
So I have never managed a project of that size… so what!?
So I would probably spend half the time learning about what I need to do… so what!?
I wrote a damn good application! Just because I didn’t have all the experience and skills you reject me!? (I think) So what!?
Im still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don’t need you..and ur stinking job!
Meeting the Parents 14, April, 2009
Well I have a confession, another confession to make …
I didn’t tell you.. but I have been seeing Aaron all this time. I first described him as a little clingy and emotional and baggage ridden. Well, he seems to have gotten over it all. He has proven himself to be a really really nice awesome guy who actually seems to fulfil 90% of what I always hoped a guy for me would be. He did bombard me with his baggage from before BUT in the last 2 months has blossomed into someone really fun and whom I can really hang out with who doesn’t talk about his past so much in fact he is so positive about the future. He loves it when I sing, albeit a little badly, in the car and he will sometimes join in with me so i don’t feel so left out if he doesn’t join in he will laugh and tell me im cute (we will see how long that lasts hehe). He likes to take care of me and when I was sick last week with the flu I felt very pampered and loved. He is attentive, kind and sweet and for some God-only-knows reason he loves to be around me even if I am snotty, sneezy and cough-flem riddled with flu-disease and that has to be special…right…
So this past weekend was Easter. We had a long 4 day weekend woohooo wish i had more time off from work though. On the Friday I had arranged for him to meet my mum and sister. Aaron came over for lunch on Friday, I made a yummy lunch of pupusas which turned out fabulous. On the Sunday Aaron was over in the afternoon. We planned to just hang out at my house and watch movies have lunch and then go out at night. I made an awesome warm lamb salad that he loved and we settled on watching Lord of the Rings – Fellowship of the Ring. After a while of Aaron hugging me tightly, sweetly kissing me every now and then I decided to go put some socks on because i felt a little cold. I started having a coughing fit and closed my bedroom door. Then suddenly I hear this huge noise, it wasn’t the telephone ringing, it wasn’t a bunch of plates breaking on mountain of sharp rocks, it wasn’t the sound of a hippopotamus roaring in the savana… it wasn’t even the sound of an airplane flying really low above my house… the door trembling, airplane-thundering sound that i heard was that of my mothers backside…..
My coughing fit seemed to suddenly have stopped dead in its track, i felt the rush of my blood from my head to my toes as it went from hot to cold and my body take a deep breath as it prepared for the humiliation I would feel on her behalf as i opened the door to my bedroom and walked back into the lounge where Aaron was waiting..the lounge that adjoins the kitchen… that has no door… I then made a 180° turn and tried to run out of my bedroom that I almost tripped over my own shoe… and arrived at the kitchen with baited breath “ MUM!!!” and she calmly turns to me and whispers “shhhhh don’t make a scene, he didn’t hear it” in amazement I said to her “I was in my bedroom at the end of the house with my bedroom door closed and I heard you and now is the time that you choose to whisper!???”
She didn’t much after that, she giggled and said, ‘it wasn’t that bad’. I as the trooper I am walked back into that lounge room to find Aaron startled, with a tiny little grin on his face not knowing what to say… all i could do was apologise… over and over and over again..
The man then kissed me and said, “i still want to be with you, no matter what” and that has to say something special about him.. right…
Susi Spice is on Twitter! 9, April, 2009
Yo peeps, you know I hate following fads. I still refuse to read one line of the Twilight series or see the movie but I have, ala, given in to Twitter. Susispice on Twitter!!!! 
now all i have to do is figure out how to use the dam thing
Madonna and her tax breaks 9, April, 2009
Ah my cute lil mum (mom) is at it again with her conspiracy theories. They can be funny and sound ludicrous but when you think about it, it could totally be a possibility. Her attention has turned to the Madonna adoption saga.
“did you hear about Madonna wanting to adopt another African baby??”
“oh yeh i did, i think she..”
“she was refused and im glad they refused her. That woman couldn’t possibly love those adopted kids, i think she is just using them to make herself more popular and i bet any money she wants to adopt these children because they are tax write-off! She can hire nannies and more servants etc and she writes it off on tax. Always thinking about money that one”.
“good point mum, but i don’t know, what about Angelina jolie and Brad Pitt who adopted like 6 kids from around the world and are wanting to adopt more?”
“who? I don’t know these people, but Madonna she only after the tax break!”.
Hehe she knows about some things…
The Carly Chronicles – Life in the fast lane 25, March, 2009
I was remembering an incident that happened a few years ago with the infamous Carly. We were at university and she was obsessively anxious to pick up a hot guy with a hot bike (motorbike that is).
Carly: i really wanna date a guy who can ride a bike, and he be really hot too.
Me: yeah, guys on bikes do look hot UNTIL they take off their helmets and you realise that they are 50year olds with missing front teeth.
Carly: I think I can tell a hot guy just by the bike he owns.
Me: what? You cant tell what a guy would look like by his bike.
We were walking through the car park to my car and walked past the motorbike car park. Curiously Carly asked if we could take a walk through the bikes. So obligingly we did.
Carly: ooo this is such a hot bike *she lent on the bike and posed* wouldn’t I look so hot on the back of this back with my arms around a hot guy?
Me: that is a nice bike, its red.
Carly: Yeah red, so hot! I am going to do something I have never done before… im going to leave a note on this bike and give this guy my number.
Me: You don’t know if the owner is a guy or not..let alone if he is hot or not you seriously wanna leave your number on the bike? What if he is a weirdo!? What if this person is a stalker? What if he is the grossest thing you have ever laid eyes on??
Carly: you are such child! Look I am a little older and you have to start learning that sometimes you gotta take chances Sus.
So Carly proceeded write her name and number and the following little note:
“you have a sexy bike, here is my number if you’d like to catch up some time”. She left it on the bike.
About a week later she runs up to me all excited, “oh my god the guy from the bike called me! And we went out! His name is Wade he is one of the physiotherapy students”.
I was quite shocked and excited for her “oh my god are you serious??? Really? You went out already? So he wasn’t ugly, really overweight fatty boomba or a weirdo?”
Carly: no! He is so hot, so buff he has big muscles, really hot body. I am having my new apartment housewarming on Saturday and you will meet him then. Cant wait for you guys to meet him. He is so big and I love how he puts his arms around me.
Saturday night came along and Marie and I helped her set up for her party. We welcomed the people into the house and showed them around while Carly played perfect hostess for the night. Then the door bell rang about half an hour later. I opened the door… there were 3 guys standing at the door and I looked up, and kept looking up and further up… here infront of me stood this ginormous 6”7 guy who was huge. HUGE. I do not mean that he was Arnie Swartznegger huge…he was… Professor Klump big… and quite the most unattractive man ive ever seen. This was Wade the bike man. Wade walked right in and handed over a bottle of Wild Turkey bourbon and headed for the chicken wings I had made (he ate most of the 50 wings I had made before the rest of the guests arrived). Carly was flirting with him and getting carried around by him..
Carly was so excited to see him I had my own thoughts on the matter, however, I kept silent as I was not going to say anything just because the guy was unattractive and really really really overweight, not my place to be shallow, it wasn’t me he was interested in bagging. I had a few of our friends come up to me and say “what the hell is she doing with that guy?? He isn’t really paying attention to her unless she is jumping on him and he is eating all the food! And he is so unattractive what is she doing??? Where did she meet this guy??” What could i say except “she met his bike first and gave his bike her number and well here is the result”.
Towards the end of the night the guy had broken 2 chairs by simply sitting on them. I had a few of the guys say to me that they were still hungry because Wade ate all the food so I cooked up some more chicken wings and made them some sandwhiches. While i was cooking in the kitchen things happened out in the party..
suddenly Marie barges into the kitchen and tells me “stop what you are doing right now… we have to save Carly, that girl is making a mistake, she will regret it tomorrow we have to stop her”
Me: what are you talking about? What’s happened?
Marie: Carly has gone upstairs with Wade..he will break her bed!
Me: *burst out laughing*
Marie: Its not funny, this is serious! She barely knows this guy who knows what he will do!
Me: what can we do? She is already in her room with him.
Marie: susi do something!
So I took a deep breath and walked to the bottom of the stairs where the people who were still around had gathered to laugh about it, look at the bent legs on the chairs he had broken and try to figure out how he managed to break these chairs with steel legs. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and shouted:
“Carly… Carly can you come help with the food, the guys are hungry”
No response.
“Carly, everyone is leaving you should come down and say good bye.”
No response at all.
Marie, very worried suggested to me: you have to go up there and tell Carly to stop doing whatever she is doing and come down here now.
Me: Urgh fine!
I went upstairs to her room and knocked on the door, “Carly open up the girl want their bags so they can go home then you guys can keep doing whatever it is you are doing”
Carly opens the door and in a fluster says “im sorry hun, im so drunk… here are the bags..oh my god im so embarrassed ha ha ha”.
Me: You sure you wanna do this with this guy?? Maybe you should wait till youre not so pissed off your nut..
Carly: don’t worry hun, I know what I am doing
I rescued the bags and walked down stairs. Marie and I and most of the guests left the party.
Next day:
Couple of us got together at Carly’s house and Carly starts to tell us:
“I am so hung over haha… my head hurts… I am never drinking again… Wade hasn’t called me today at all. I don’t know about these guys, he seemed really interested and then nothing”
Me: well Carly all I can say is that the guy was… um… pretty big…
Carly: Yeah he is huge, works out like 5 times a week
Me thinking: works out? You mean eats 5 tonnes a week
Me replied: Yeah well we tried to rescue you last night, did you… sleep with him?
Carly: No… we were playing around and well he was too big for me… it really hurt… and something weird happened which i don’t know if its natural or not
The other person: the guy broke 2 chairs Carly, the man was huge! And he doesn’t look like he works out
Carly: He does, though… ok the weird thing that happened was that he was you know..fully erect and in the middle of him being on top of me he gets up and goes to the bathroom leaves the door open so I can see him and he pees while still erect.. is that normal???
Well the conversation went on from there… needless to say this was only one of the many times and tribulations of Carly. After that Wade never really called her again or went out with her. Carly finally came to her senses and when she realised she didn’t have his attention anymore the guy became “that fat head ugly mistake”.
More funnies from El Salvador 21, March, 2009
Personally I prefer HOT dogs, but never tried HAT dogs
Translation: Kar Wach - We spell it wrong but it wash them well
Translation: Prohibited to Urinate - Fine: an axing. (notice that there is a theme here I should donate public toilets i think)
Translation: (big circle) This is your brain, (small circle) this is your brain after drugs. (small circle underneath) this is your anus... (big circle next to that) This is your anus in prison. Dont Steal
i dont know whether to laugh or feel sorry for him... because he could be wearing a gstring bc he is too poor to afford his own underwear... or a cross dresser... so conflicted!
